at least I have one good, real friend.

too bad we weren't friends in high school hahaha

it's alright though because now we are, and she's got a pretty good kid.

on a side note

I don't understand why I havent been good enough for people still

Im 20 years old, I should be focusing on living life, but currently I fear I may be existing instead of living.

I wish I could make everyone happy, but I can hardly make myself happy.

I want to make music, I want to write but I cant get my head straight enough to do it all

Why cant other girls be like me and alina?

just chill the hell out. Im not trying to take the man you have the hots for, but can you not make people think I am?

For real kids. Im not even trying to be with anyone at all right now, letalone ruin a friendship by being awkwardly attracted.

I want my bike, I don;t like the idea that one day if I leave it there, she could be riding it...

it's not fair that I cant even have a guy friend without someone telling me I want to bang him.

it isn't true

These people are the reasons I cant be around guys without thinking I have feelings for them

I should be able to be with a guy without everyone telling me I want them.

no longer will you tell me what I want out of my life.

it's mine, Im taking control.

I wish I had something substantial to write about nowadays...

but usually I just sit and let life pass me by.

It's that charm around your neck

So thinking upon things...

I really dont understand why peole wont just accept me.

My freshman year I changed so much

because I was "annoyingly nice"

and that was too much

then I get to sophmore year

and people "cant handle Megan Sheffield. " so they "ignored my IM's"

so I changed

junior year.

I was a bitch. I "made rude remarks." and had few friends my age

Senior year is about to simply roll by.

and I am "rude" and "need to be nicer"

I HAVE BEEN

but thats whee this change began.

I stay up all night

last night up until 2 oclock in the morning

and all I did was cry

I cant seem to do it right.

any of it.

and everyone knows I am someone who needs to be loved.

but no one seems to want to do that.

I am tired of this crap.

I am different

and I dont like it.

no one does.

I wanna be kind again

but it seems that that will require serious sub concious dipping.

and i dont know that I can go through that.

I am jyst sick of midway.

"shes pregnant, shes a whore, shes a STONER"

yah.

those kindof rumors.

are the kind that say it is okay for us to start shit.

ridiculous.

I am done talking shit about people.

if you have something to say to me fine

but I am not about to trash someone because of you.

or what you think

or what you think I should think.

if I have something to say it will go to the source.

so yah.

I really just dont know

what am I doing wrong in my life?

it is hard to comprehend

maybe I am not praying enough.

going to church enough

loving enough

valuing the important thngs in life enough.

I am not good enogh fro people.

and I can accept that

 I am starting to seem like a liar

because if i am told something I tend to believe it

and then when i find out it isnt true

if I have told someone

they tell others

and then they use MY name

and i seem like the liar.

I was talking with a good friend tonight

one of my best I might evne say

and i told him

I dont understand why people are so fake.

when I am angry at yall

you all know it.

there is no point inhiding it.

that is dumb.

and he came to the conclusion that the reason a certain someone has to pass judgement on everyone else

is because she cant understand that she isnt always in control and she cant control everything in herlife

she has to try to control others lives

and pass judgement

because she hasnt had a positive say in her life

she needs to pass judgements on our lives

nothing will get to her and her lifesay what you will

but whatever you say about someone else

she will pass arpund

and I dont understand why this is so.

things get to me yes.

but I dont pass judgement on others lifes...

so I guess when we can control our lives

and let things get us down but then let the better things get us up

we can be happier...

this kid

as tipsy as he was tonight

can really help with problems.

problems that I have

often.

i always feel unaccepted.

like i'm not good enough.

and that I cant really trust people with my life..

because alot of people are "neutral" to what goes on with me

or how our friendship matters.

well fine

be your little switzerland lookin asses

its fine

so here lateky

I know...

two years have past...

hahaha

but I have been kindof down about some things

boys.

girls.

drama.

school

all that

and I posted a myspace blog about it all

and amy cook sent me the nices thing I think I have ever read.

and I will now share it with you.

hey. down there at the last part.. you DON'T need high school friendships or romances because you're SO much better than the ass wipes and dildos that are anywhere within 50 feet of the midway high school campus.

i hate teenagers. and i think you should too. haha but really. for the most part, being young is what fucking up is for.. but i hate the way other people, innocent and perfect people like you, get dragged into other people's fuck ups. because that's what it is for anyone that hurts you- it's THEIR fuck up.

you don't have a dull glimmer of a personality. you are radiant. girl, you've got rainbows shooting out of your finger tips and stars in your eyes. you're laughter is seriously contagious....even though people have called it mean names, it's beautiful! haha that sounds ridiculous but it's TRUE, i tell you! and you know what... you're very mature, too. and that's the problem with these damn teenagers..they're so immature.

you're creative and intelligent and like 200 zillion steps ahead of people your age when it comes to mental capacity..and like 5948713947 light years ahead of them when it comes to just being cool.

you're cool, megan.

i know sometimes you'll feel like everything sucks.. and sometimes, yeah, things are going to get pretty shitty... but before you know it high school will be over and that's when things get good. and even when things ARE shitty, just know that everyone creating stupid drama and everyone trying to fit some mold and please other people are only ruining things for themselves. you're above them. don't let some girls with poor self esteem and boys with peepee's for brains influence how you feel about yourself. you're WAY WAY above them. way way WAY.

don't let boys bring you down at all and don't ever compromise your morals for anyone. i know that sounds like i'm a hypocrite...since i slutted you and all.. but seriously, always do what you know is right in the long run. because in the grand scheme of things, what happens in high school will never affect you.. except for your grades, like you say. because they're what get you into college. if you don't have sex with some boy and he decides to not talk to you anymore, you never needed him to begin with.

please, learn from me, don't party too much and ruin things..

and i know it's hard when it comes to throwing your heart out there and stuff.. and i still haven't found an appropriate person to let even BORROW my heart, much less catch it when i throw it at them... okay, i'm going to try and make sense here.. bear with me, i ramble and get really off track and then have a hard time coming back to make the main point.. but here's my best shot at anything good:

you may always be vulnerable. hearts will get broken and it WILL feel like "this is it, i quit" but don't. because there are good people out there. friendships and relationships will end.. horribly and suddenly or sometimes they'll just fade out of your life.. but you have to know that no matter how scared you might be.. you have to let people into your heart. because if you don't give people chances, then there's no room for any good to come of anything. make sense? maybe not.. k. but some people are seriously just a waste of good blood cells and they're not worth your time. and that's when all the shit happens.. trying to distinguish between the good people that deserve to get to know you and have their lives be better because of you.. and then knowing which ones DON'T deserve your love and your caring heart.

because you care about people. and that makes things hard too.. because you're probably like me, in the way of thinking "oh i know deep down inside they're a good person..." and then you just wait and wait and wait around for them to realize their potential.. and they don't. and then you feel like "well what's wrong with me, then, if they still suck?" but you know..

just worry about yourself. be your top priority. and let people come and go. accept that everything changes and accept that stupid teenagers are growing up and 'discovering themselves' and most of them will probably regret that never got to fully know you, megan sheffield.

because it's YOU, megan sheffield, that can shoot rainbows out of her finger tips. and who wouldn't want a friend like that?

there's so much more i wanted to get across.. but i have to study for my quantitative reasoning class (math, for people that hate math) and basically.. i just really suck at talking and saying what i'm trying to say.

so interpret things as you will...and just know that you positively affected me and that people do truly love you and that you will find people that deserve your heart.